10 things about being a mom...

Being a mom is the hardest, most incredible, most wonderful thing I have ever experienced in my life! I just wanted to take the time to write down some of what I have learned...Here we go!

1. Baby snuggles, giggles, and smiles are the very best thing
2. I can't stop kissing his little cheeks...literally can't stop
3. I will never be ok with the smell of baby poop
4. Watching my son with my husband is one of my favorite things
5. The love I feel in my heart for my baby boy is unexplainable
6. I feel like I will always have spit up or drool somewhere on me
7. My house will never be as clean as it was before Nolan came into the world...and I'm learning to be ok with that
8. It's easier to find cute girl clothes than it is to find cute boy clothes...and girls have so many more sock options than boys!
9. Apparently, Nolan likes peas more than he likes sweet potatoes...which I TOTALLY didn't think would be the case...because the peas smell nastier than the sweet potatoes. Hm. It's so much fun getting to know my little man :)
10. Sometimes, I miss the days when life was a lot simpler...when going somewhere didn't require packing the whole house...when going to a movie and dinner with my husband was something we could decide to do 5 minutes before we left to do it....when I could sleep in as late as I wanted...but at the same time, I can NOT imagine my life without my adorable, wonderful, little boy. He brings so much joy to our life and I wouldn't go back for a second.

It is SO beyond time...

It is WAAAAYYY beyond time for me to update my blog! Ugh. I am not very good at it, but oh well :) Thanks for being patient! Since I last posted, we had our beautiful baby boy!! Nolan Anthony Preiss was born May 26, 2011...weighing in at 9lbs 8oz!

Isn't he perfect? :) I got to have ALL summer with him! He has grown and changed so much...He is 4 months old how and he is such a happy, relaxed, easygoing little man!

Every day I fall more in love with him! I can't help but kiss him all over....his cheeks just MIGHT fall off here soon. Motherhood is one of the hardest and yet most wonderful experiences. In the early weeks of his little life, I took refuge in a verse from Isaiah - "In quietness and trust is your strength." Whenever I got overwhelmed with it all, I just remembered to take a second to be quiet and trust that my Jesus would give me all that I needed for that moment. Being a mom has also given me such an amazing perspective on how much our Father must love us. I look at my little man and I would do ANYTHING for him. My heart swells with love for him. How much our Father must love us...and how incredibly difficult it must have been for Him to send His son to die for us.

It is so fun to watch Nolan learn and grow and try new things! Right now he is figuring out his laugh and trying to roll over...he kind of gets stuck on his side :) He is also finding his voice - he is quite the talker! At the beginning of September I started back to work. I'm teaching Kindergarten this year....and it's a crazy roller coaster!! Thankfully I only have to work a few days a week! And my mom and my sister are so wonderful and take care of my baby for me...but I must say that I dread leaving him on the days that I work and the best part of those days is picking him up! I am so grateful that I get to leave him with people that love him...but it's still so hard.

I am also so grateful for my husband...for being such an incredible dad...for being ok with a messy house and fast food for dinner because I'm too tired to cook...for hugging me even when I'm covered in spit up...for going to the store for that one thing I forgot even though I checked my list 5 times...I could go on and on. But I really am so blessed. Tired and blessed :) Thanks Lord!!

One Year

It's so hard to believe that it's been one year. One year since we were up at Timberline Lodge praying and hoping that God would bring Anthony home. And He did...just not the home we expected.

As I sit here and write, tears streaming down my face, I feel such a mix of emotions. I feel sadness, grief, and profound loss. But I also feel joy, hope, and peace. This last year has been the hardest of my life. I have been put through the fire. I have experienced suffering in a way that I never expected. But I have also experienced more love, more joy, and more blessing. Words cannot begin to express how much I miss Anthony, how my heart aches to see him again. I am changed because of the events that happened one year ago. As you have all probably figured out by now, one way I process is to write. SO...here goes.

Dear Anthony,

I miss you. SO much. I miss your smile, your laughter, your early morning hello, your crazy kitchen concoctions, your passion for the Lord, your love for the youth, your relationship with my husband...and that is just the beginning of the things I miss. It's been a year since our Lord took you home to be with Him. I still don't completely understand why. But I wanted to tell you how I have learned, grown, and changed because of it.

One of the most profound things I have learned is the sovereignty of our God. I have realized how imperative it is that I believe that He is in control of ALL things. If I don't believe that, then everything else crumbles. He IS the Almighty, all powerful, all knowing, everlasting Father. And His will is PERFECT. His plans are perfect. Nothing happens on this earth without His knowledge, or I daresay His consent. Even when I don't understand what He is doing, that doesn't make it less perfect. He knows my days. He knew your days. He knew exactly what was going to happen last December. And it was His perfect plan. That knowledge brings me such a peace and a comfort.

The events of the last year have also taught me how precious relationships are. In the time following December 11th, the relationships that I had with family and fellow believers was one of the things that helped hold me up. Without thier abundant love and support, my grief would have been an entirely different experience. The amazing love that was poured into me by other ordinary people makes me want to pour out to others! It has caused me to really ask "How are you" and stop to hear people's stories. The love and care of the church this last year has been overwhelming. And I don't mean just the people of the Bridge...but other believers who have reached out. You were such a relationship person. You took the time to invest into others and give. There was more than one person who stood up at your memorial and said that they felt like you were their best friend. I want to be like that. Thank you for truly caring.

Your sudden (at least to us) departure from this earth has also shown me how precious each moment is. Each second that I am breathing is a gift from God! So often I gloss over days and think "Well, it's just another day." But it's NOT! It's a time to take advantage of the gift of one more day of life. I cannot take anything for granted. We are like grass that withers...here for just a moment. I want to treasure each second I have on this earth and use it for the glory of my Father. You were a dude that really lived life. You did things I would never dream of doing...like climbing crazy mountains. But you loved every second and your goal was always to glorify the Lord. Thank you for leaving me that example.

I have learned what it means when James talkes about considering it joy to face trials. I have come to a better understanding of what was going through the apostle's minds when they rejoiced that they were counted worthy to suffer for the sake of Christ. Job has become dear to my heart...when he says to his naysaying wife - how can we accept the good from God and not the bad? And then he declares "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away - blessed be the name of the Lord!" I am continuing to learn what it means to rejoice always, to give thanks IN and FOR every circumstance. It's not easy. But I want to live in such a way that to live is Christ and to die is gain...and to always declare "BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD."

In December, one of the verses I clung to was "I will look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." A year ago, I didn't see much goodness. But in reality, the Lord has poured out His blessing and His goodness on my life. He has walked with me through the storm. He has taught me things I don't know that I would have learned otherwise. He has brought healing to relationships, and made broken things whole. He has deepened relationships. He has taught me what it means to worship Him. He has shown me what life is all about. He has provided for us in abundant and unexpected ways. He has shown me what His love is. And right now, He is teaching me what new life is like...in the form of a beautiful baby boy growing in my womb. Life continues, and it is glorious. There is beauty from ashes. And there is so much blessing amist pain and heartache.

None of this changes the fact that I miss you. But I so look forward to the day when I see you again. I grieve, but I hope. And I am thankful. Thank you for the lessons your life has taught me. I will forever be grateful for the time that I got to know you. Love you Anth.

-Mel

Oh Baby!!

My world has been such a mix of emotions lately: joy, anxiety, sadness, contentment, grief...And yet all wrapped up in a very good thing!

In the middle of September, Chris and I found out we were having a BABY!! We were both so elated and excited. We've been married for five years now, and it was SO God's perfect, incredible timing. We waited for about a month before we told our families. I really wanted to wait until after that first doctor's appointment before we said anything to anyone. And let me tell you, that first appointment was incredible. Words can't describe the awe I felt looking at the blob on the ultrasound screen, seeing the little heart beating - knowing that that alien looking thing was part of me and part of Chris. Tears came to my eyes! Telling our families was so much fun! I don't think any of them expected it! In fact, my mom thought Chris was kidding when he told them :) Telling our church family was such a blessing to us. We were SO ready to share our excitement...and to see everyone we loved be so excited with us was...more than words can express.

Right now, I am about 12 weeks along. So far, feeling pretty darn good. I didn't really know that I could be THIS tired, but I can't complain. It still seems a little surreal that this is happening. I don't feel pregnant, although I'm sure I will soon enough! Chris has this phrase to describe how life has been... "I'm hungry, I'm tired, something smells funny!" Hehe...Oh my dear husband! But this new, amazing, exciting news has not come without heartache.

I cannot help but think about Anthony. He always talked about hearing the little pitter patter of Preiss feet around the house. I can imagine the big, ear to ear grin on his face when we would have told him. The laugh that would have come out of his mouth. That excited, Anth giddyness. The conversations we would be having about pregnancy, my doctors appointments...How excited he would have been to be an uncle. I grieve that we are not sharing that with him. I grieve for the fact that our child will not personally know Anthony. I grieve that they will not play together. That Anth will not get to hold his niece or nephew. I grieve that our children will never get to grow up together, like Anth and Chris did. I know that our children will know of Anthony Robert Vietti. I know that they will know of what a wonderful friend, brother, and Christ follower he was. I know that they will hear many, many stories about their uncle. But it's not how I imagined this part of life. And that's hard. Heartache and joy co-existing. I know this is God's perfect plan. But that doesn't necessarily make it any easier. So, if you could be praying for that struggle, we would be so grateful.

Back to joy. We went to the doctors again today for my...I mean our...checkup. We got to hear the heartbeat! It was so magical hearing that little, tiny, ultra fast heartbeat - and then my own steady heartbeat in the background. Knowing that I am carrying LIFE. It is amazing and humbling all at once. I have been so humbled to think that the God of the universe chose me and Chris to be THIS child's parents at this time. And that God knew this day would be here...that He already knows the number of days our child will live. He knows what joys and sorrows our child will face. He picked us to guide and direct this child in His ways. Wow. That's pretty incredible to me. I am so excited to watch and feel this life grow! I thank the Lord for new life...and for joy. Such incredible joy.

new seasons...

Fall is beginning. Leaves are changing, pumpkins are for sale, and the crisp autumn air is lingering. I really enjoy fall. It's probably my second favorite season, after summer of course. I'm starting to feel like it is the beginning of a new season in our lives.

The last 9 months have been so full of heartache, and September hasn't been any different. I moved from 1st grade teacher to librarian, Chris has been facing some super stressful things at work, one of the boys from our youth ministry took his own life a few weeks ago...And the list goes on. Sometimes I feel so....heavy. When will it end? I am tired of agony, grief, and change. I still miss Anthony so much that it aches sometimes. Sometimes I still listen for his super annoying alarm while I'm getting ready in the morning. And my heart hurts for my husband, as he misses his best friend.

But, a new season is beginning. I don't know if it's just the coming of fall that is making me feel this way, or if there is more to it than that. I have hope in what Christ has for me. For us. I have hope in the redemptive power of His blood. I have hope in the fellowship of the saints. I have hope in the small blessings of every day: the hug of a child, the beautiful sunset, the quiet moments. Whatever the Lord has for us next...here am I...send me.

heartache and frustration

The other night, I just had a super rough night. I posted about it on Facebook, with very limited details. So, I thought I would share just a little.

It started with my job. For those of you who don't know, I'm a teacher and this school year is my third year with my district. Every year, I have had a different position and a different school. Last year, I was in a position that I loved and at a school that I didn't want to leave. So, when I received news at the end of the school year that I would be moving to another school, I was super bummed. BUT, I was grateful that I had a job. I was told that I would be teaching first grade. I spent the summer getting mentally prepared, going to trainings and working in my classroom. By the end of the summer I was excited about my new position. School started about 2 weeks ago and I was having a great time teaching first grade. It felt good to get back into the classroom! I had 22 kids that I was excited about investing in.

Wednesday evening, I received a call from my principal. The district had re-assigned one of the teachers at our building to another school, and as a result we had to do some staff shuffling. Long story short, I was told that I would now be teaching library. I was SOOO frustrated! How many different jobs can one girl do in 3 school years?! I was ALL prepared and excited for first grade and now...library??? Really??? No warning, no - "hey, this might be happening." Just a phone call to say "this is what you'll be doing now and be ready to start in two days!" I was frustrated, overwhelmed and super annoyed. I called my principal later that night and got a few details. I was mostly glad that I would still be able to complete my professional certificate schooling that I was in. But, I was still bummed.

I got home, vented to my dear husband, cried a little, and ate something. Then, he told me that Jon, Anthony's dad, had called. They had some answers. What Jon had to say is long and detailed - and if I see you in person, I'd be happy to share. I just don't really want to post it for the world. Needless to say, the details didn't pan out to be what I expected. I was again filled with loss, grief, heartache and sadness. I found myself wishing it could've been different. I just wanted to see Anth and hug him. And we are still in the process of wrestling with these details. It's hard. SO, keep praying for us. Praise the Lord for His sovereignty in all situations. And keep praying. Thanks for listening...

Remember that my life is but breath...

They have found and recovered the bodies of Anthony and Katie. It's been a tumultuous week. We discovered on Monday, while we were at Wakeboard Camp, that they had found Anthony's earth shell. Since that day, it has been an emotional, yet sweet and joyful ride. Some of the emotions take me back to December. Chris and I drove back from WBC yesterday and are staying with all the family. The waiting and wondering has been here again. I am still feeling the question of WHY. I am still feeling intense grief. Yet there is so much joy in how the Lord orchestrated these events. I might have to post on all of those good things later when my head is clearer and the events are more in order :) But, know that I can see my Jesus' hand in this.

It's amazing how attached we are to things. And it's ok. Anthony's parents had a chance to view his body today...one of the first things that a rescuer handed her was Anthony's ring. When they got back to the house, his mom showed it to me and I just broke down. I know how significant that ring was to Anth. Sigh...

It's so weird how this whole time I've known that Anth was with his Jesus. That Anth was no longer on this earth. But it's so strange how having his shell off the mountain makes it so much more real. So much more concrete. But, I have so much peace. I have so much joy. I can see God's goodness in the land of the living!! We were looking at Job this week at Wakeboard Camp and my dear husband came across these verses that just slammed my heart...

"Remember that my life is but breath; My eye will not again see good. The eye of him who sees me will behold me no longer; your eyes will be on me, but I will not be. When a cloud vanishes, it is gone. So he who goes down to Sheol does come up. He will not return again to his house, nor will his place know him anymore.....I will waste away; I will not live forever. Leave me alone, for my days are but a breath. What is man that you magnify him, and that you are concerned about him, that you examine him every morning and try hum every moment?"

Job 6:7-10, 16-19

Those verses just hit me and Chris hard as we were thinking about rescuers bringing Anth's shell off the mountain. I can even hear Anth's voice saying some of those things to me...I also keep thinking of other verses in Job..

"Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?" Job 2:10

"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I shall return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD!" Job 1:21

I keep coming back to this central truth....GOD IS STILL GOD, AND GOD IS STILL GOOD. TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!!!!!!!