No words....

As I sit here in our comfy recliner, I am at a loss for words to describe how I'm feeling and what is going through my head right now. The passage of time is so crazy. The other day, I just felt like I needed to sit and do nothing but spend time with Jesus. So, I took my iPod, my Bible, and my journal and went to Starbucks and just sat for a few hours. I'm just going to share the ramblings from my journal and hopefully it will all make sense.

*sigh...I can't believe it's been a month already. It doesn't feel like it. I miss him. I miss his smile, his laugh, his words of encouragement, his weird food in the fridge...I still sometimes think he's just gonna walk through the door. Or I check and see if those headlights I see are his car...But I know it's Your perfect will, Lord. I know your ways are good and perfect. It's a strange thing to have those thoughts co-exist. I catch myself thinking of all of the things he's going to miss...being married, talking to him about pregnancy (because that's something we totally would've talked about), the birth of our future children, getting to know and play with and love our children, his kids, him and Chris continuing to grow together as best friends till they are old and gray...Gosh, when I think about it Lord, it really sucks! It grieves me to know that he won't be there for those things. Is it ok to think these things Lord?

But there is this underlying peace in knowing YOU Lord. Knowing that it's your plan. But to be honest, it's rough to know that it was your plan that my children would never meet him and know him. I'm not really a fan, Lord. BUT YOU ARE SOVEREIGN! And I know that. You love me beyond my comprehension. And your will is perfect. I know all of these things and it does bring a measure of peace. There is also joy because I know Anth is worshipping and praising the God he served. And to know that this trial and heartache is bringing You glory. Help me to keep my eyes open to how you are being glorified...and not to forget that THAT is what life is all about...Amen.

The following scripture and song have been going through my head constantly...making me smile and weep all at the same time.

Psalm 62:5-8

"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence. For my HOPE is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I SHALL NOT BE SHAKEN. On GOD rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is GOD. Trust in Him at ALL TIMES, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us."

IN CHRIST ALONE

In Christ alone, my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song

This Cornerstone, this solid ground, firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease

My comforter, my All in All, Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh. Fullness of God in helpless babe

This gift of love and righteousness, scorned by the ones He came to save

Till on that cross as Jesus died, the wrath of God was satisfied

For every sin on Him was laid, here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay, light of the world by darkness slain

Then bursting forth in glorious day, up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory, sin's curse has lost it's grip on me

For I am His and He is mine, bought with the precious blood of Christ

NO GUILT IN LIFE, NO FEAR IN DEATH - THIS IS THE POWER OF CHRIST IN ME

FROM LIFE'S FIRST CRY, TO FINAL BREATH JESUS COMMANDS MY DESTINY

NO POWER OF HELL, NO SCHEME OF MAN CAN EVER PLUCK ME FROM HIS HAND

TILL HE RETURNS OR CALLS ME HOME

HERE IN THE POWER OF CHRIST

I STAND

Real Life

I didn't think that going back to real life would be so hard. Why routine has been so difficult. At the beginning of this week, I just wanted to stay curled up in bed. BUT, work calls. And I have to answer. The question of "So how are you?" is so difficult to answer. Or the unaware people who ask "How was your holiday?" Well.....as a matter of fact....Ugh. One of the sweet sweet ladies I work with gave me a hug and said - "His picture made him look like such a fun guy. Tell me about him." That was just what I needed! Thanks Cathy! But, it is amazing to realize how my Jesus is sustaining me through each day.

Yesterday morning was opening up to be particularly hard...no specific reason. Maybe because of a lack of sleep, maybe because I knew the memorial in Bozeman was happening and I couldn't be there. Maybe something else. But after I finished getting ready for the day and walked out to the kitchen, I stopped and looked up. I saw the most amazing and beautiful sunrise. The colors were incredible...the Painter had made a masterpiece! I couldn't help thinking of the song "Beautiful" by Phil Whickham.

"I see your face in every sunrise, the colors of the morning are inside your eyes.

The world awakens in the light of the day, I look up to the sky and say You're beautiful."

In that moment, there was nothing else I could do but praise the Creator! I sat at the kitchen table, staring at the sky. And then my Jesus blessed me again. A Christmas gift from a dear friend of mine was a "Cup of Love." It's a huge coffee mug filled with verses about love. As I was reveling in the beauty of the morning and grieving that Anthony wasn't sitting there with me, I picked this verse out of the cup:

"Now may the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God..."

2 Thessalonians 3:5

Wow. My Jesus loves me so much...He knew I needed the beauty of that sunrise. He knew I needed a reminder to direct my heart toward His love. What an amazing wonderful God I serve.

It's these little things that I know will get me and Chris from one day to the next. The moments that God reminds us who He is and what He is about. So, lets all take notice of the small blessings in life...the beauty of a sunrise, the smile and hug of a child, the note from a friend, the scripture you so desperately needed to read...and praise our God of Love for being who He is.