It's so hard to believe that it's been one year. One year since we were up at Timberline Lodge praying and hoping that God would bring Anthony home. And He did...just not the home we expected.
As I sit here and write, tears streaming down my face, I feel such a mix of emotions. I feel sadness, grief, and profound loss. But I also feel joy, hope, and peace. This last year has been the hardest of my life. I have been put through the fire. I have experienced suffering in a way that I never expected. But I have also experienced more love, more joy, and more blessing. Words cannot begin to express how much I miss Anthony, how my heart aches to see him again. I am changed because of the events that happened one year ago. As you have all probably figured out by now, one way I process is to write. SO...here goes.
Dear Anthony,
I miss you. SO much. I miss your smile, your laughter, your early morning hello, your crazy kitchen concoctions, your passion for the Lord, your love for the youth, your relationship with my husband...and that is just the beginning of the things I miss. It's been a year since our Lord took you home to be with Him. I still don't completely understand why. But I wanted to tell you how I have learned, grown, and changed because of it.
One of the most profound things I have learned is the sovereignty of our God. I have realized how imperative it is that I believe that He is in control of ALL things. If I don't believe that, then everything else crumbles. He IS the Almighty, all powerful, all knowing, everlasting Father. And His will is PERFECT. His plans are perfect. Nothing happens on this earth without His knowledge, or I daresay His consent. Even when I don't understand what He is doing, that doesn't make it less perfect. He knows my days. He knew your days. He knew exactly what was going to happen last December. And it was His perfect plan. That knowledge brings me such a peace and a comfort.
The events of the last year have also taught me how precious relationships are. In the time following December 11th, the relationships that I had with family and fellow believers was one of the things that helped hold me up. Without thier abundant love and support, my grief would have been an entirely different experience. The amazing love that was poured into me by other ordinary people makes me want to pour out to others! It has caused me to really ask "How are you" and stop to hear people's stories. The love and care of the church this last year has been overwhelming. And I don't mean just the people of the Bridge...but other believers who have reached out. You were such a relationship person. You took the time to invest into others and give. There was more than one person who stood up at your memorial and said that they felt like you were their best friend. I want to be like that. Thank you for truly caring.
Your sudden (at least to us) departure from this earth has also shown me how precious each moment is. Each second that I am breathing is a gift from God! So often I gloss over days and think "Well, it's just another day." But it's NOT! It's a time to take advantage of the gift of one more day of life. I cannot take anything for granted. We are like grass that withers...here for just a moment. I want to treasure each second I have on this earth and use it for the glory of my Father. You were a dude that really lived life. You did things I would never dream of doing...like climbing crazy mountains. But you loved every second and your goal was always to glorify the Lord. Thank you for leaving me that example.
I have learned what it means when James talkes about considering it joy to face trials. I have come to a better understanding of what was going through the apostle's minds when they rejoiced that they were counted worthy to suffer for the sake of Christ. Job has become dear to my heart...when he says to his naysaying wife - how can we accept the good from God and not the bad? And then he declares "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away - blessed be the name of the Lord!" I am continuing to learn what it means to rejoice always, to give thanks IN and FOR every circumstance. It's not easy. But I want to live in such a way that to live is Christ and to die is gain...and to always declare "BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD."
In December, one of the verses I clung to was "I will look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." A year ago, I didn't see much goodness. But in reality, the Lord has poured out His blessing and His goodness on my life. He has walked with me through the storm. He has taught me things I don't know that I would have learned otherwise. He has brought healing to relationships, and made broken things whole. He has deepened relationships. He has taught me what it means to worship Him. He has shown me what life is all about. He has provided for us in abundant and unexpected ways. He has shown me what His love is. And right now, He is teaching me what new life is like...in the form of a beautiful baby boy growing in my womb. Life continues, and it is glorious. There is beauty from ashes. And there is so much blessing amist pain and heartache.
None of this changes the fact that I miss you. But I so look forward to the day when I see you again. I grieve, but I hope. And I am thankful. Thank you for the lessons your life has taught me. I will forever be grateful for the time that I got to know you. Love you Anth.
-Mel
