Blessings...

As I was reading my Bible this morning, I read Psalm 107. It repeats this phrase several times: "Let them thank the Lord for His steadfast love, for His wondrous works to the children of man!." As I read that over and over, I realized that I had been spending too much time focusing on my own sorrow...and not enough time looking at all of the amazing blessings that my Jesus has poured onto us. In the midst of the grief, pain and sorrow, my God is blessing us with so many incredible things! It takes my breath away and reminds me that my God is full of love. He is full of mercy. He is full of grace. Even when my heart aches, He blesses me! When I hesitate to praise Him, He gives me grace and peace that passes all understanding. So, I thought I would start listing some of the blessings He is lavishing on us...feel free to add your own! It has brought me such joy to pour over this list and see without a doubt the love of my Jesus.

* On Friday, the day Chris called Search and Rescue, he got a new, understanding supervisor @ work

*Jon and LaDonna drove 1,000+ miles and made it safely

*God gave us 2 other God-fearing families to walk through this with

*Steven got leave to come from Germany - and then his leave was extended thru Christmas!

*David Vahey - clean shirts, tissue, video, humor, press experience, emotional support....etc

*Mari Yeckel

*A 2+ hour dinner with Steve Rollins of Portland Mountain Rescue talking about Anth and Jesus

*The press - their questions, the clips they chose to play, the nationwide coverage and presentation of the Gospel!

* 2 beautiful, wondrous, clear days on the mountain - watching teams and helicopters get a chance to search

*Timberline Lodge

*Jean and the Megumi Chalet

*Dennis and Holly, our chaplains

*The Bridge Church - prayer, love, texts, scripture, food, hugs, cards, e-mails...wow...

*My parents opening up their home

*The fact that the Sheriffs Department allowed Chris to participate as much as he did

*The amazing amount of dedicated, highly qualified people that were involved in the search

*Shannon Cadwell finding the notes from last year's Elevate - Anth's group discussion on Legacy

*The Portland Mountain Rescue guy in Mari's small group who was on the search

*Craig Roberts asking us to pray for them

*The MIRACLE of unexplainable weather

*Corey (from the Sheriff's Dept.) having a chance to open up and share the Lord with his colleagues because of this

*Anth's chemistry teacher approaching us at Stuffy's and sharing his remembrance of Anth's heartfelt and genuine thank-you

*Joe Nollmeyer

*Patrick and the worship team pulling together Wish You Were Here and Praise You in the Storm for Anth's memorial

*Having a chance to go back up to the mountain on a perfect, beautiful clear day and Uncle Jimmy getting a chance to stay longer

*Darla Nolan giving all the moms one of Katie's scarves

*The Olive Garden crying with us and blessing us so hugely on Anth's birthday

*Bank of America manager's daughter knew Anth from a Bible study

*Rob Cruickshank - a personal connection with Search and Rescue

*Getting a chance to meet, hug and encourage a lot of the rescuers involved in the search - Search and Rescue, Portland Mountain Rescue, the Air Force PJs, Sheriff's Office, Mountain Wave Communications...

*A church in Little Rock, AK letting us know their 8,000 member church spent their service praying for us

*All of you praying and encouraging us

This is only the beginning! I KNOW that the Lord will continue to bless us in the midst of our grief. I KNOW that He will continue to use Anth, Katie and Luke to bring glory to Himself...and in that I find peace.

*

Is It OK???

I have so many thoughts running through my head right now...it's tough to make them stop. I'm just going to have to go through one thought process at a time. It's been weird to try to function "normally". This isn't normal. Life without Anth isn't normal. So, what is normal? And what is ok?

On Christmas day, LaDonna and I were sitting at the table playing Yatzee...and we both stopped in the middle of the game and thought - is it weird that we are ok sitting here and playing a game? Is that even ok? Should we be playing a game?? Since then, I've just had these thoughts running through my head, along the lines of "is it ok?"

Is it OK...

-to feel just fine playing a board game?

-to cry over laundry?

-to clean your house because it's the only thing you feel like you can control?

-to sit on the porch for hours in the cold?

-to just want to sit on your couch and stare into space?

-to cry in the grocery store aisle?

-to cry over a bowl of pasta because you know Anth would've loved it?

-to go to a movie with friends and not think about the pain once?

-to not be the least bit hungry?

There's more things....but that's all I can think of. And I know all of the above is part of the grieving process...and even though I question, I know the answer. Yes, all of those things are ok. It still doesn't feel real. I still feel like he's just on vacation and he'll come back through the door anytime. But at the same time I know he's with my Jesus, worshipping and celebrating! And that gives me hope and joy in the midst of my questions and tears. Is that ok?

Christmas???

It does NOT feel like Christmas. The last few weeks have just been such a blur. Especially the last few days. It's been a marathon of memorials - first Luke's, then Anth's, then Katie's. All three were so different, but all SO incredibly good. Anth's was so healing...and just so special. I loved being able to worship and praise my Jesus with everyone I love. It was also so amazing to see how many people were there to celebrate Anthony's life. Thank you to everyone who came and celebrated with us. There aren't words to describe how grateful and blessed we all are.

I really don't want to celebrate Christmas. It just doesn't seem right. I feel weird eating good food, smiling and laughing. It's not time yet. I'm not ready.

BUT. I am SO grateful that in this season, my God is Emmanuel, God with us. No matter what the circumstance, no matter what I am feeling...He is there. He cares. He never leaves me or forsakes me. There is nothing that can ever separate me from His love. Even if I'm not ready to celebrate the birth of my Lord - He understands...and He is patiently waiting. He will hold me up and enable me to stand up under this sorrow. He is GOOD and His love endures forever.

Coming home...

Sigh.....coming home was harder than I thought it would be. Driving away from the mountain, we all felt so defeated. It was weird. When we drove up there, I fully expected to come home the next day with Anthony. So much for MY expectations :) Now I know that God has a different idea. Imagine that...God knows something I don't! I haven't been able to bring myself to go into his room yet. Chris says it smells like him. I think tomorrow, I'm going to make an espresso in honor of Anth. There are so many things I already miss about him:

-his crazy food concoctions

-the weird cheese in the fridge

-his impish smile as he asks if I need to use the bathroom

-him asking me to trim the back of his hair

-seeing him in the morning when I'm getting ready

-his laugh

-his smile

-talking to him about what we're going to be teaching that week

-laughing about strange things that happened that day

-watching him and Chris interact and make fun of each other....and knowing that they were doing crap behind my back :)

-enjoying an espresso with him in the morning

-talking about decorating with him

-making food for him

phew...I'm sure I'll add to this list as time goes on. For now, I'm just taking it one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. The grief comes in waves. It engulfs me and is overwhelming...and I just have to look to my Jesus...and then I can stand up under it. HE IS GOOD. AND HIS LOVE ENDURES FOREVER!

God Be Glorified

It is so hard to even bring myself to type this. My fingers don't want to.

It has been decided that we are in recovery mode. Not active search. This means that although they will not be rescuing, they will still be searching for their bodies. When the first opportunity strikes for boots to be on the mountain, they will look for them.

Anthony and Katie are with the Jesus they loved so much and served with their lives! My heart is SO broken, yet at the same time, I feel such a peace. We just finished meeting with the sheriffs and a good chunk of the rescue team...a step in healing. We were able to applaud, hug, and pray for the people who risked their lives to find Anthony and Katie.

I still have SO many questions for God....

*Why did the lives of 3 amazing people have to end?

*Why did God decide to show Himself through the weather, yet not bring them back to us?

*Why THESE 3?

*WHY????????

Yet, even though I have these questions.....I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is in control. HE is still sovereign. HE does NOT love us any less. HE is STILL a God of miracles. HE has a reason for all of this. Do I understand Him?? no. not at all. BUT. I know my God is TRUSTWORTHY. He knows everything. He sees and knows more than I ever could....And I claim Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a HOPE and a future! I cling to that. I also know that God has granted us the privilege to walk down this road. To suffer and grieve. To know a small picture of the suffering of our Lord. To be given the opportunity to sharpen and refine my faith...to be refined by the fire!

I also know that I am called to PRAISE THE LORD. I keep coming back to that. I have had some sweet times of worship with my Jesus in the last 2 days....and what He continues to show me is PRAISE. No matter what our circumstances may look like, HE is still God and HE is still worthy of my praise and worship! In every season of my life, no matter what the storm ahead may look like, no matter if He hasn't answered my prayers in exactly the way I wanted - I CHOOSE TO PRAISE HIM. Is it easy????? hell no. Do I want to?? sometimes. but not always. BUT. BUT. BUT......

I also keep thinking about what Anth would've wanted...and he has left us an incredible legacy! His life has set the bar for what it means to serve, to be joyful, to go beyond yourself, to live life to the fullest no matter what the cost!! What a high calling! What a great thing to aspire to! We can honor his life by living like him. Anyone remember when he would talk about his tombstone testimony??? The first thing he would want is that he is a LOVER OF JESUS CHRIST! Everything else he did stemmed from that! Everything!

I'm sure I will be processing more on here...BUT - if you are still praying...FIRST - thank God for the amazing lives these three lived. Thank God for the opportunity to know them. Thank God for being God. And pray. Pray that God will be SO incredibly glorified through their lives. Pray against the devil getting in the way of the message that is THIER LIVES! Pray that as we grieve, we will continue to praise. Pray.

*songs that I've been listening to....Desert Song (Hillsong) and Praise You in the Storm (Casting Crowns)

Word of God Speak...

Thank you so much to everyone who has been messaging me with Scripture...It's about the only thing that calms my mind and brings me peace. SO. I thought I would post some of those things there....maybe they can comfort all of us...

Romans 5:1-5: Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance' and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Psalm 121:1-3. "I lift my eyes up to the mountains, where does my help come from? My help comes from You, Maker of heaven, Creator of the earth. May he not allow your foot to slip. He who protects never sleeps."

Isaiah 43:10-13 "You are my witnesses," declares the Lord, "and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he, before me no god was formed, nor will there be one after me. I, even I, am the Lord, and apart from me there is no savior. I have revealed and saved and proclaimed - I, and not some foreign god among you. You are my witnesses, "declares the Lord, "that I am God. Yes, from the ancient days I am he. No one can deliver out of my hand. When I act, who can reverse it?

Psalm 9:10 - "Those who know your name will trust in you, for you Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you."

Psalm 3: 3-7 - "But you O Lord are a shield around me; you are my glory, the one who holds my head high. I cried out to the Lord, and he answered me from his holy mountain. I lay down and slept, yet I woke in safety, for the Lord was watching over me. I am not afraid of ten thousand enemies who surround me on every side. Arise O Lord! Rescue me, my God!"

Psalm 91:14-16 - "Because He loves me, says the Lord, I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer hi,; I will be with him in trouble, I will dieliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation."

Psalm 31: O Lord, I have come to you for protection; don't let me be disgraced. Save me ,for you do what is right. Turn your ear to listen to me; rescue me quickly. Be my rock of protection, a fortress where I will be safe. You are my rock and my fortress. For the honor of your name, lead me out of this danger. Pul me from the trap my enemies set for me, for I find protection in you alone. I entrust my spirit into your hand. Rescue me Lord, for you are a faithful God. I hate those who worship worthless idols. I TRUST IN THE LORD. I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish in my soul. You have not handed me over to my enemies but you have set me in a safe place. Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am in distress. Tears blur my eyes. My body and soul are withering away. I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. Sin has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within.....BUT I AM TRUSTING YOU, O LORD saying YOU ARE MY GOD! My future (Anthony and Katie's future) is in your hands! Rescue me from those who hunt me down relentlessly. Let your favor shine on your servant. In your unfailing love, rescue me....How great is the goodness You have stored up for those who fear you. You lavish it on those who come to you for protection, blessing them before the watching world. You hide them in the shelter of your presence...Praise the Lord, for He has shown me the wonders of his unfailing love. He kept me safe when my city was under attack. In panic I cried out, "I am cut off from the Lord!" But you heard my cry for mercy and answered my call for help. Love the Lord, all you godly ones! For the Lord protects those who are loyal to Him, but he harshly punishes the arrogant. SO BE STRONG AND COURAGEOUS, ALL YOU WHO HOPE IN THE LORD!

2 Chronicles 20! The battle is the Lords! Sing and praise Him for His holy splendor!

Psalm 27 (assorted verses) The Lord is my light and my salvation - so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?...The one thing I ask of the Lord - the thing I seek most- is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, delighting in the Lord's perfections and meditating in his temple. For he will conceal me there when troubles come; he wil hide me in his sanctuary. He will place me out of reach on a high rock...Hear me as I pray, O Lord. Be merciful and answer me! My heart has heard you say, "Come and talk with me." And my heart responds, "Lord, I am coming."...You have always been my helper. Don't leave me now, don't abandon me, God of y salvation!...Teach me how to live O Lord. Lead me along the right path, for my enemies are waiting for me....Yet I am confident that I will see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living! Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

Isaiah 40 (assorted verses) - Look up into the heavens. Who created the stars? He brings them out like an army, one after another, calling each by its name. Because of his great power and incomparable strength, not a single on is missing....Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives the power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

Romans 12:12 - Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying!

Psalm 139 (various verses)

O Lord you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I'm far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord. You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand! I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there. If I ride on the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me and the light around me to become night - but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as the day. Darkness and light are the same to you. You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous - how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed...

2 Corinthians 4: 7-12

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves! We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the LIFE of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. So we life in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you!

Habakkuk 3: 17-19

Even though fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, YET I WILL REJOICE IN THE LORD! I WILL BE JOYFUL IN THE GOD OF MY SALVATION! THE SOVEREIGN LORD IS MY STRENGTH! He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights.

Clinging to Hope

It's hard to bring my fingers to even type...I don't now if I can even can think of what to say.

Hope. The only thing we can hope in...Jesus Christ. Hoping in Him does not disappoint.

Chris and I were talking last night...just about all of the possible outcomes of this situation...and where we were at with all of this. 1) Anthony and Katie come off that mountain alive...2)Either Katie or Anthony come off alive - but not both...3)They find them, but they are with Jesus...4)they never find them.

I'm trying to muster the courage to come to the Lord with all of these situations - and be at peace with whatever God decides. But it's hard. Selfishly, I only want option one. On my own, I can't handle the other options. BUT. I need to be ready for anything.

HOWEVER. I continue to cling to HOPE! My God is bigger than ANYTHING!! Any mountain, any weather system, any doctor's idea of how long they can survive. VICTORY IS IN MY JESUS!

Thank you SO much for all of your prayers, words of encouragement, scripture...you have blessed us more than you will ever know.

*Lord, give me the courage to face ANY outcome....fill my heart with a peace that can only come from YOU! I know You have control and You know what you're doing...but I don't understand! Help me trust.