One Year

It's so hard to believe that it's been one year. One year since we were up at Timberline Lodge praying and hoping that God would bring Anthony home. And He did...just not the home we expected.

As I sit here and write, tears streaming down my face, I feel such a mix of emotions. I feel sadness, grief, and profound loss. But I also feel joy, hope, and peace. This last year has been the hardest of my life. I have been put through the fire. I have experienced suffering in a way that I never expected. But I have also experienced more love, more joy, and more blessing. Words cannot begin to express how much I miss Anthony, how my heart aches to see him again. I am changed because of the events that happened one year ago. As you have all probably figured out by now, one way I process is to write. SO...here goes.

Dear Anthony,

I miss you. SO much. I miss your smile, your laughter, your early morning hello, your crazy kitchen concoctions, your passion for the Lord, your love for the youth, your relationship with my husband...and that is just the beginning of the things I miss. It's been a year since our Lord took you home to be with Him. I still don't completely understand why. But I wanted to tell you how I have learned, grown, and changed because of it.

One of the most profound things I have learned is the sovereignty of our God. I have realized how imperative it is that I believe that He is in control of ALL things. If I don't believe that, then everything else crumbles. He IS the Almighty, all powerful, all knowing, everlasting Father. And His will is PERFECT. His plans are perfect. Nothing happens on this earth without His knowledge, or I daresay His consent. Even when I don't understand what He is doing, that doesn't make it less perfect. He knows my days. He knew your days. He knew exactly what was going to happen last December. And it was His perfect plan. That knowledge brings me such a peace and a comfort.

The events of the last year have also taught me how precious relationships are. In the time following December 11th, the relationships that I had with family and fellow believers was one of the things that helped hold me up. Without thier abundant love and support, my grief would have been an entirely different experience. The amazing love that was poured into me by other ordinary people makes me want to pour out to others! It has caused me to really ask "How are you" and stop to hear people's stories. The love and care of the church this last year has been overwhelming. And I don't mean just the people of the Bridge...but other believers who have reached out. You were such a relationship person. You took the time to invest into others and give. There was more than one person who stood up at your memorial and said that they felt like you were their best friend. I want to be like that. Thank you for truly caring.

Your sudden (at least to us) departure from this earth has also shown me how precious each moment is. Each second that I am breathing is a gift from God! So often I gloss over days and think "Well, it's just another day." But it's NOT! It's a time to take advantage of the gift of one more day of life. I cannot take anything for granted. We are like grass that withers...here for just a moment. I want to treasure each second I have on this earth and use it for the glory of my Father. You were a dude that really lived life. You did things I would never dream of doing...like climbing crazy mountains. But you loved every second and your goal was always to glorify the Lord. Thank you for leaving me that example.

I have learned what it means when James talkes about considering it joy to face trials. I have come to a better understanding of what was going through the apostle's minds when they rejoiced that they were counted worthy to suffer for the sake of Christ. Job has become dear to my heart...when he says to his naysaying wife - how can we accept the good from God and not the bad? And then he declares "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away - blessed be the name of the Lord!" I am continuing to learn what it means to rejoice always, to give thanks IN and FOR every circumstance. It's not easy. But I want to live in such a way that to live is Christ and to die is gain...and to always declare "BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD."

In December, one of the verses I clung to was "I will look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." A year ago, I didn't see much goodness. But in reality, the Lord has poured out His blessing and His goodness on my life. He has walked with me through the storm. He has taught me things I don't know that I would have learned otherwise. He has brought healing to relationships, and made broken things whole. He has deepened relationships. He has taught me what it means to worship Him. He has shown me what life is all about. He has provided for us in abundant and unexpected ways. He has shown me what His love is. And right now, He is teaching me what new life is like...in the form of a beautiful baby boy growing in my womb. Life continues, and it is glorious. There is beauty from ashes. And there is so much blessing amist pain and heartache.

None of this changes the fact that I miss you. But I so look forward to the day when I see you again. I grieve, but I hope. And I am thankful. Thank you for the lessons your life has taught me. I will forever be grateful for the time that I got to know you. Love you Anth.

-Mel

Oh Baby!!

My world has been such a mix of emotions lately: joy, anxiety, sadness, contentment, grief...And yet all wrapped up in a very good thing!

In the middle of September, Chris and I found out we were having a BABY!! We were both so elated and excited. We've been married for five years now, and it was SO God's perfect, incredible timing. We waited for about a month before we told our families. I really wanted to wait until after that first doctor's appointment before we said anything to anyone. And let me tell you, that first appointment was incredible. Words can't describe the awe I felt looking at the blob on the ultrasound screen, seeing the little heart beating - knowing that that alien looking thing was part of me and part of Chris. Tears came to my eyes! Telling our families was so much fun! I don't think any of them expected it! In fact, my mom thought Chris was kidding when he told them :) Telling our church family was such a blessing to us. We were SO ready to share our excitement...and to see everyone we loved be so excited with us was...more than words can express.

Right now, I am about 12 weeks along. So far, feeling pretty darn good. I didn't really know that I could be THIS tired, but I can't complain. It still seems a little surreal that this is happening. I don't feel pregnant, although I'm sure I will soon enough! Chris has this phrase to describe how life has been... "I'm hungry, I'm tired, something smells funny!" Hehe...Oh my dear husband! But this new, amazing, exciting news has not come without heartache.

I cannot help but think about Anthony. He always talked about hearing the little pitter patter of Preiss feet around the house. I can imagine the big, ear to ear grin on his face when we would have told him. The laugh that would have come out of his mouth. That excited, Anth giddyness. The conversations we would be having about pregnancy, my doctors appointments...How excited he would have been to be an uncle. I grieve that we are not sharing that with him. I grieve for the fact that our child will not personally know Anthony. I grieve that they will not play together. That Anth will not get to hold his niece or nephew. I grieve that our children will never get to grow up together, like Anth and Chris did. I know that our children will know of Anthony Robert Vietti. I know that they will know of what a wonderful friend, brother, and Christ follower he was. I know that they will hear many, many stories about their uncle. But it's not how I imagined this part of life. And that's hard. Heartache and joy co-existing. I know this is God's perfect plan. But that doesn't necessarily make it any easier. So, if you could be praying for that struggle, we would be so grateful.

Back to joy. We went to the doctors again today for my...I mean our...checkup. We got to hear the heartbeat! It was so magical hearing that little, tiny, ultra fast heartbeat - and then my own steady heartbeat in the background. Knowing that I am carrying LIFE. It is amazing and humbling all at once. I have been so humbled to think that the God of the universe chose me and Chris to be THIS child's parents at this time. And that God knew this day would be here...that He already knows the number of days our child will live. He knows what joys and sorrows our child will face. He picked us to guide and direct this child in His ways. Wow. That's pretty incredible to me. I am so excited to watch and feel this life grow! I thank the Lord for new life...and for joy. Such incredible joy.

new seasons...

Fall is beginning. Leaves are changing, pumpkins are for sale, and the crisp autumn air is lingering. I really enjoy fall. It's probably my second favorite season, after summer of course. I'm starting to feel like it is the beginning of a new season in our lives.

The last 9 months have been so full of heartache, and September hasn't been any different. I moved from 1st grade teacher to librarian, Chris has been facing some super stressful things at work, one of the boys from our youth ministry took his own life a few weeks ago...And the list goes on. Sometimes I feel so....heavy. When will it end? I am tired of agony, grief, and change. I still miss Anthony so much that it aches sometimes. Sometimes I still listen for his super annoying alarm while I'm getting ready in the morning. And my heart hurts for my husband, as he misses his best friend.

But, a new season is beginning. I don't know if it's just the coming of fall that is making me feel this way, or if there is more to it than that. I have hope in what Christ has for me. For us. I have hope in the redemptive power of His blood. I have hope in the fellowship of the saints. I have hope in the small blessings of every day: the hug of a child, the beautiful sunset, the quiet moments. Whatever the Lord has for us next...here am I...send me.

heartache and frustration

The other night, I just had a super rough night. I posted about it on Facebook, with very limited details. So, I thought I would share just a little.

It started with my job. For those of you who don't know, I'm a teacher and this school year is my third year with my district. Every year, I have had a different position and a different school. Last year, I was in a position that I loved and at a school that I didn't want to leave. So, when I received news at the end of the school year that I would be moving to another school, I was super bummed. BUT, I was grateful that I had a job. I was told that I would be teaching first grade. I spent the summer getting mentally prepared, going to trainings and working in my classroom. By the end of the summer I was excited about my new position. School started about 2 weeks ago and I was having a great time teaching first grade. It felt good to get back into the classroom! I had 22 kids that I was excited about investing in.

Wednesday evening, I received a call from my principal. The district had re-assigned one of the teachers at our building to another school, and as a result we had to do some staff shuffling. Long story short, I was told that I would now be teaching library. I was SOOO frustrated! How many different jobs can one girl do in 3 school years?! I was ALL prepared and excited for first grade and now...library??? Really??? No warning, no - "hey, this might be happening." Just a phone call to say "this is what you'll be doing now and be ready to start in two days!" I was frustrated, overwhelmed and super annoyed. I called my principal later that night and got a few details. I was mostly glad that I would still be able to complete my professional certificate schooling that I was in. But, I was still bummed.

I got home, vented to my dear husband, cried a little, and ate something. Then, he told me that Jon, Anthony's dad, had called. They had some answers. What Jon had to say is long and detailed - and if I see you in person, I'd be happy to share. I just don't really want to post it for the world. Needless to say, the details didn't pan out to be what I expected. I was again filled with loss, grief, heartache and sadness. I found myself wishing it could've been different. I just wanted to see Anth and hug him. And we are still in the process of wrestling with these details. It's hard. SO, keep praying for us. Praise the Lord for His sovereignty in all situations. And keep praying. Thanks for listening...

Remember that my life is but breath...

They have found and recovered the bodies of Anthony and Katie. It's been a tumultuous week. We discovered on Monday, while we were at Wakeboard Camp, that they had found Anthony's earth shell. Since that day, it has been an emotional, yet sweet and joyful ride. Some of the emotions take me back to December. Chris and I drove back from WBC yesterday and are staying with all the family. The waiting and wondering has been here again. I am still feeling the question of WHY. I am still feeling intense grief. Yet there is so much joy in how the Lord orchestrated these events. I might have to post on all of those good things later when my head is clearer and the events are more in order :) But, know that I can see my Jesus' hand in this.

It's amazing how attached we are to things. And it's ok. Anthony's parents had a chance to view his body today...one of the first things that a rescuer handed her was Anthony's ring. When they got back to the house, his mom showed it to me and I just broke down. I know how significant that ring was to Anth. Sigh...

It's so weird how this whole time I've known that Anth was with his Jesus. That Anth was no longer on this earth. But it's so strange how having his shell off the mountain makes it so much more real. So much more concrete. But, I have so much peace. I have so much joy. I can see God's goodness in the land of the living!! We were looking at Job this week at Wakeboard Camp and my dear husband came across these verses that just slammed my heart...

"Remember that my life is but breath; My eye will not again see good. The eye of him who sees me will behold me no longer; your eyes will be on me, but I will not be. When a cloud vanishes, it is gone. So he who goes down to Sheol does come up. He will not return again to his house, nor will his place know him anymore.....I will waste away; I will not live forever. Leave me alone, for my days are but a breath. What is man that you magnify him, and that you are concerned about him, that you examine him every morning and try hum every moment?"

Job 6:7-10, 16-19

Those verses just hit me and Chris hard as we were thinking about rescuers bringing Anth's shell off the mountain. I can even hear Anth's voice saying some of those things to me...I also keep thinking of other verses in Job..

"Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?" Job 2:10

"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I shall return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD!" Job 1:21

I keep coming back to this central truth....GOD IS STILL GOD, AND GOD IS STILL GOOD. TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!!!!!!!

I have come to the conclusion...

that I am HORRIBLE at blogging!! I have a hard time just sitting down and writing my thoughts. I can't believe it's been 7 months today. Sometimes it seems time goes by so quickly...yet so slowly. Chris and I just started reading through 50 Days of Heaven by Randy Alcorn. He talked about the fog. I feel that way sometimes. There is fog surrounding me some days. I struggle to see the shore. To keep hoping. Sometimes I get overwhelmed at the things that are NOT going to be now that Anthony is gone...

I was at a dear friends wedding a few weeks ago. It was such a joy to watch her get married and start a new journey with an amazing man of God. They had a rehearsal breakfast that morning and different members of the family got to stand up and share. The groom's cousin got up and shared about all of the memories they had made together growing up. He got a chance to share how excited he was for his cousin's future with his new bride. It was wonderful, sweet, and precious to hear the love from cousin to cousin. I couldn't help but think 2 things.... 1. How grateful I was that Anthony got a chance to do that for Chris. 2. How sad I was that Chris wouldn't have a chance to do that for Anthony.

SO, in conclusion today - I miss Anthony. I still grieve the loss of what could have been. I grieve the loss of who he was. I still struggle to remember that my HOPE comes from Jesus Christ. That HE is the GOD OF ALL COMFORT. Lord, thank you for allowing me to laugh at memories of Anth. To be grateful for the time we did have. Help me to keep looking to YOU! Amen.

My Life Story...so far :)

We have been going through this series with our youth kids about sharing your story. I shared last week, so I thought I would post it on here :)

Philippians 1:21 – “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.”

Philippians 1:21 has been my favorite verse for a long time. But it took me such a long time to begin to grasp what it really meant – what it was really about. I feel like I’ve gone through stages of grasping the meaning of this scripture.

I grew up in a Christian home. In fact, my dad was a pastor. I was raised in the church. According to my parents, I came to them at 4 years old and told them I wanted to ask Jesus into my heart. I don’t particularly remember this day, but I remember being conscious of the fact that I needed Jesus to save me. At such a young age, I had a very limited understanding of exactly what that meant.

Life continued, and I started growing up. Being a pastor’s kid came with it’s own set of….unspoken expectations: behaving a certain way, knowing the right answers, these things just came with the territory. I accrued a lot of head knowledge in those years – scripture verses, theological concepts, etc. But that’s all it was. Head knowledge. I didn’t really apply it to my heart or my life. In fact, I remember most Sundays being so anxious for the sermon to be finished. I would get so frustrated when my dad would go over, or embarrassed when he would get super passionate about something. I would point at my wrist or try and find a way to discreetly gesture towards the clock. Hey dad, it’s time to be done talking about Jesus. You’re allotted time is finished! My faith wasn’t my own. I was playing the part. I took on the faith that I was “supposed” to have. It would NOT have looked good if the pastor’s kid didn’t know Jesus. My identity was not in Jesus – it was in being the pastor’s kid. At that point in my life, I only looked at the “to die is gain” part of the verse. I was concerned with getting heaven. I look back now and see how much valuable wisdom I missed…I wish I could go back and listen to what my dad had to say. Get excited about Jesus along with him.

Around the time I was 13, my dad made a decision that rocked my world. He decided to resign from being a pastor. Now, this might not sound like a huge deal, but to me, everything I knew, everything I placed my security in was about to change. Not only was he resigning, but we were leaving the church. The church was who I was. I WAS a pastor’s kid. Without that security, I didn’t know who Melanie was. His decision to leave shattered who I thought I was. That year, my family took a trip to the beach. During that beach trip, I was really wrestling with my faith. At that point, I realized that I had been professing a faith that wasn’t my own. That whole trip, I really took time to evaluate whether or not I really wanted to live for Jesus. There was no pressure anymore to be the perfect pastor’s kid. It was just me. Was it worth it? Did I really believe in God? Did I really buy everything I had heard over the last however many years? By the end of that vacation I came to a conclusion – YES. I wanted Jesus. I wanted to have faith in Him. I didn’t just want to play the part – I wanted the real thing. That moment began the journey of understanding the first half of that verse – to live is Christ.

High School was an interesting time in my life. I really struggled with “to live is CHRIST.” Even though I had committed my heart to the Lord and wanted a real relationship with Him, I didn’t understand that living was Christ. I went to a private Christian high school, so it was really easy to say: well, we all claim to be Christians, so it must be ok. It was so easy to just go along with the crowd. I knew what the right thing to do was, but…I didn’t stand up and do it. It was so simple to sit and gossip with my girlfriends because, well, everyone was doing it. It was so simple to criticize others behind their back because…I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be well liked by my peers. Who doesn’t want that? And it was so easy to justify because we all said we were Christians.

Things started to change towards the end of my sophomore year. I really wanted to do some kind of ministry over the summer and I had a few options. I had been a camper at Trout Creek for the last few summers and I really wanted to work there. I was also invited to tour Europe and sing about Jesus with a choir group based in California. A few of my friends were also planning to go on the choir tour. I was so torn and I didn’t know what to do. So, for the first time, I started praying for God to reveal His will to me. I had prayed my whole life, but it was always for MY benefit. I had never really taken the time to ask God what HE wanted for me. The more I prayed and sought Him through the Word, the more on fire I felt for Him. I felt a tug on my heart towards Trout Creek. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had heard from God. I decided to apply to TC, and was accepted. I worked at TC for the next 3 full summers.

During my times at TC, God showed me what it was like to be walking with Him daily. And to feel the pull of the Holy Spirit. He showed me what it meant to pray. I would pray for energy to get through the week when I was exhausted – and an unexplainable energy would boost me through the rest of the week. I would pray for my campers every day, and it was so amazing to see God work in their lives. Sometimes they would come to know Christ and I would rejoice with them. Sometimes God would bring a verse to my mind to encourage them. And sometimes I would pray and pray for a camper, and they would leave at the end of the week without knowing Jesus. I had to learn to trust that what He was doing through me was still working, even though I didn’t see the immediate results. I tasted the sweetness of being in the Word daily and what an amazing gift God left us in His word. I was experiencing “to live is Christ!”

I came back to school each year, more inspired to actively live out my faith. My senior year I made some radical changes. I was more vocal with my beliefs. I chose to start removing myself from the gossip and crap. I would SAY that it wasn’t right and then walk away. I lost a few friends. But it was so cool to see that when I chose to live out Christ, it didn’t matter so much to me that I lost friends. It didn’t matter to me what other people thought. Before, to live meant being popular, well liked, being the athlete, the singer, the drummer, etc. I started realizing and LIVING Christ.

It wasn’t until I started college that my faith was really challenged. I took this class – Myths and Rituals. It was about the different myths, rituals, and symbols of different cultures and time periods. It was a really interesting class. About halfway through the class, our professor (who was a Catholic priest turned atheist) told us about the next book we were supposed to read. It was called Jesus Mysteries. The premise of the book was that Jesus never really existed. He was a mythical figure concocted from several different pagan myths and rituals and has morphed into the Jesus we read about in the Bible. Our task was to read this book and come to class discussions. I read the book. It was a hard book to read. If I hadn’t been vigilant in really digging into what the book was saying – and checking sources (the authors even quoted the Bible) I might have been convinced of their argument. In order to not look like an idiot in class, I had to come prepared with my own argument against what the book was saying – with my own convincing evidence. It was intimidating coming to class and be one of the only people ready to argue with the book and the professor. At this stage in my life, I really realized that “To live is Christ” wasn’t the norm. I realized that I couldn’t just live it out – in order to be a viable soldier and advocate for Christ, I had to be able to really talk about Him. Sure, I had shared the basics with campers and other people, but I had never really had anyone question me. Is there proof behind what you believe? Are you sure it isn’t all just a myth? These are the questions I had to be prepared to answer. I learned so much because of that class.

The last 4 years have really been a time of stretching and realizing that, even though I have learned and grown, I still have so much to grasp. Figuring out what it really means to LIVE is Christ. I can live out that verse in everything! In my relationships, in my speech, in my work, my family, my thought life, how I drive, how I interact with the grocery store clerk…everything. I am NOWHERE near perfect. But that’s part of working out my faith and presenting my life as a living sacrifice to the Lord.

The last 5 months have been the testing of my faith. Do I really believe that “To live is Christ and to die is gain?” Am I ready to live it out even when the circumstances of my life don’t make much sense? The events prior to Anthony’s death had formed my faith. Now, my faith is being stretched. Being refined by the fire. When God spoke to Abraham and told him to sacrifice his only son, even though God had promised to make many nations through Isaac…I’m sure that didn’t make much sense. I’m sure Abraham had questions for God. I’m sure he was wondering, “Why does it have to happen THIS way? Are you absolutely sure there is no other way?” But, regardless of his questions FOR God, he never questioned God. He took his only son up the mountain, laid him on the altar and lifted the knife. I wonder if Philippians had been written at that time if Abraham would have been saying to himself “to live is Christ and to die is gain.” To Abraham’s relief, God stepped in, intervened and saved Isaac’s life. Our story turned out differently. God didn’t step in and intervene the way we wanted Him to. Anthony never walked down that mountain. I have to wait till heaven to hear about the climb. I have questions FOR God. Yet, even though I have these questions.....I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is in control. HE is still sovereign. HE does NOT love us any less. HE is STILL a God of miracles. HE has a reason for all of this. Do I understand Him?? no. not at all. BUT. I know my God is TRUSTWORTHY. He knows everything. He sees and knows more than I ever could....And I claim Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a HOPE and a future! I cling to that. I also know that God has granted us the privilege to walk down this road. To suffer and grieve. To know a small picture of the suffering of our Lord. To be given the opportunity to sharpen and refine my faith...to be refined by the fire!

To live is (fill in the blank). Popularity, attention from the opposite sex, sports, sex, partying, academics…What is it? To live IS CHRIST. Living is meaningless without Christ. I challenge you to be real. Evaluate where you’re at. Do you really believe that living = Christ? Are you willing to live that out no matter what the circumstances? Your life isn’t promised to be perfect. But it will be a full life. It will be abundant. “I have come that you may have life and have it abundantly.” John 10:10 And I’m telling you right now, that it is totally worth it.

don't wait...

Over the last few weeks, I've been reflecting on something...The more I think about it, the more I KNOW I have to actually go out and DO it. Anthony's death has made me realize that I don't tell the people around me enough how much they mean to me. I've let life go by without consistently telling the ones I love WHY I love them or WHAT I love so much about them. So. My conclusion. I will make a point of SAYING why I love people...of letting them know how much they mean to me and why they bless me so much.

So, if you have people in your life who are a blessing to you, let them know! You never know how much time is left in life...make the most of it and let the people you love know it. And say more than "I love you." Tell them WHY.

He is Risen

Today we celebrated Easter. Resurrection Sunday. This holiday means so much more to me this year than it ever has. I've always known that we serve a risen Savior, and that He conquered over sin and death. But because of Anthony, it all has become so much more alive to me.

The God of the universe, the creator of the stars, the One who spoke all things into being, the omniscient, omnipotent, lover of my soul...He cared enough about ME. About Anthony. About YOU. To come down to this earth, live a perfect life...and then die a horrific death that he didn't deserve. All because of love. All because of me. And you. And the most glorious news of all is THIS. Don't miss it. HE IS ALIVE. HE IS RISEN. DEATH COULD NOT KEEP HIM IN THE GRAVE. In His glorious might and power, HE CONQUERED THE GRAVE! I do not serve a God who is dead. I serve a God who is alive and working today. I serve a God who has power over the thing we mortals fear most...death. O where O death is your victory? O where O death is your sting? The answer: it is non-existent.

And BECAUSE I serve this God, I have nothing to fear! Because of His resurrection, I HAVE LIFE! Because of His resurrection, Anthony is dancing and worshipping a RISEN Savior today. Because of His resurrection...

Thank you Lord for loving little ol' me enough to come to this broken world and give your life in exchange for mine. To cover my hideous sin. To offer me eternity with you. I am SO incredibly grateful that You conquered the grave. YOU LIVE. My Jesus LIVES. And thank you that because of that, I too live. Lord, your resurrection gives me such glorious HOPE. Hope that with you, I can overcome anything. Hope that one day I will see Anthony again. Hope that this life has meaning and is worth living abundantly. Hope that You are here now with me. Everlasting Hope. Amen.

Difficult

First of all, since my last post, let me just say that the gray-ness has lifted a little. I was able to find excitement and joy these last couple weeks - some rays of sunshine amidst the ominous clouds. Those rays came in the form of my wonderful, blessed friends. Last weekend, I got to spend time with some of my dearest friends, who are just coming closer and closer to my heart with each passing day. We had an adult sleepover! I got to do some of my favorite things - cook and talk! As I was driving out to my friend Kari's house I felt something that I hadn't felt in a while - those little excited butterflies in my stomach! THANK YOU LORD! We had an amazing time of food and fellowship that was healing to my heart. Thank you Lord for giving me such incredible, godly, loving women in my life. Thank you dear friends for sharing a weekend with me and showing me light and love.

On the other hand, this week has been especially rough. I know I'm not the only one who is grieving Anthony who feels this way. For many of us, this week has been like feeling all the craziness all over again. WHY??? Is it just because of the passage of time? Or because there seem to be more and more reminders every day?? Or just because it's how this grief thing works? On Wednesday, Chris and I both were just BLAH. I just wanted to cry and he just wanted to hit something. I think we were feeling the same thing - just the girl version and the guy version. :) At the end of the day, we both just sat on the couch with nothing to say. So, we opened up the Bible and just started to read. I don't even remember where we read or what we read, but just basking in the words of our Lord was refreshing. It was like a balm to my weary soul. Neither of us said much, we just listened to the words. Thank you Lord for Your word. Thank you that we aren't hindered from reading it! Thank you that you poured out your love for us into something we can read!

So, if you are still reading, please keep praying. Three months is coming up. But thank God for friends, family and His constant provision. ALSO - we have a new nephew! Corbin Dahlin-Vietti. Little dude, Anth would've loved to meet you.

Nothing.

It's been a while since I've written. I just feel like I have nothing to say. The last week, week and a half or so, I've been kind of in a daze. I haven't really felt like myself. I wake up, go to work, come home, complete what I should complete for that day. But it's like I don't feel anything. Not happy, not sad, not excited...I just exist. Life is moving all around me and here I am going through the emotions. At least a few weeks ago I felt.

I mean, normally I'm a pretty generally happy person. And I can be an emotional person. Seriously....a week and a half ago I was sobbing on the kitchen floor. :\ Now, nothing. Is that normal? To feel numb to everything going on around you? I just hope this is a stage. I'll deal with it, pray A LOT, and hopefully come out on the other side soon....can someone please tell me this is normal? That I'm not going crazy?????

....

I have nothing of relevance to call this post. I just felt the urge to write today.

Today has been an especially hard day. I really can't pinpoint why. Just inexplicably hard. I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't cry. *sigh...

But, God is still good. He knows exactly what I need. I opened up my Bible today and read the following verses. They really spoke to my heart, and I pray they will speak to yours as well.

"Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints."

- Ps. 117:15

"Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and my body also...BUT I trust in You, O Lord. I say you are my God, my times are in Your hand." - Ps. 31:9, 14-15

His love endures forever. His love endures forever. His love endures forever.

No words....

As I sit here in our comfy recliner, I am at a loss for words to describe how I'm feeling and what is going through my head right now. The passage of time is so crazy. The other day, I just felt like I needed to sit and do nothing but spend time with Jesus. So, I took my iPod, my Bible, and my journal and went to Starbucks and just sat for a few hours. I'm just going to share the ramblings from my journal and hopefully it will all make sense.

*sigh...I can't believe it's been a month already. It doesn't feel like it. I miss him. I miss his smile, his laugh, his words of encouragement, his weird food in the fridge...I still sometimes think he's just gonna walk through the door. Or I check and see if those headlights I see are his car...But I know it's Your perfect will, Lord. I know your ways are good and perfect. It's a strange thing to have those thoughts co-exist. I catch myself thinking of all of the things he's going to miss...being married, talking to him about pregnancy (because that's something we totally would've talked about), the birth of our future children, getting to know and play with and love our children, his kids, him and Chris continuing to grow together as best friends till they are old and gray...Gosh, when I think about it Lord, it really sucks! It grieves me to know that he won't be there for those things. Is it ok to think these things Lord?

But there is this underlying peace in knowing YOU Lord. Knowing that it's your plan. But to be honest, it's rough to know that it was your plan that my children would never meet him and know him. I'm not really a fan, Lord. BUT YOU ARE SOVEREIGN! And I know that. You love me beyond my comprehension. And your will is perfect. I know all of these things and it does bring a measure of peace. There is also joy because I know Anth is worshipping and praising the God he served. And to know that this trial and heartache is bringing You glory. Help me to keep my eyes open to how you are being glorified...and not to forget that THAT is what life is all about...Amen.

The following scripture and song have been going through my head constantly...making me smile and weep all at the same time.

Psalm 62:5-8

"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence. For my HOPE is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I SHALL NOT BE SHAKEN. On GOD rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is GOD. Trust in Him at ALL TIMES, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us."

IN CHRIST ALONE

In Christ alone, my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song

This Cornerstone, this solid ground, firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease

My comforter, my All in All, Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh. Fullness of God in helpless babe

This gift of love and righteousness, scorned by the ones He came to save

Till on that cross as Jesus died, the wrath of God was satisfied

For every sin on Him was laid, here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay, light of the world by darkness slain

Then bursting forth in glorious day, up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory, sin's curse has lost it's grip on me

For I am His and He is mine, bought with the precious blood of Christ

NO GUILT IN LIFE, NO FEAR IN DEATH - THIS IS THE POWER OF CHRIST IN ME

FROM LIFE'S FIRST CRY, TO FINAL BREATH JESUS COMMANDS MY DESTINY

NO POWER OF HELL, NO SCHEME OF MAN CAN EVER PLUCK ME FROM HIS HAND

TILL HE RETURNS OR CALLS ME HOME

HERE IN THE POWER OF CHRIST

I STAND

Real Life

I didn't think that going back to real life would be so hard. Why routine has been so difficult. At the beginning of this week, I just wanted to stay curled up in bed. BUT, work calls. And I have to answer. The question of "So how are you?" is so difficult to answer. Or the unaware people who ask "How was your holiday?" Well.....as a matter of fact....Ugh. One of the sweet sweet ladies I work with gave me a hug and said - "His picture made him look like such a fun guy. Tell me about him." That was just what I needed! Thanks Cathy! But, it is amazing to realize how my Jesus is sustaining me through each day.

Yesterday morning was opening up to be particularly hard...no specific reason. Maybe because of a lack of sleep, maybe because I knew the memorial in Bozeman was happening and I couldn't be there. Maybe something else. But after I finished getting ready for the day and walked out to the kitchen, I stopped and looked up. I saw the most amazing and beautiful sunrise. The colors were incredible...the Painter had made a masterpiece! I couldn't help thinking of the song "Beautiful" by Phil Whickham.

"I see your face in every sunrise, the colors of the morning are inside your eyes.

The world awakens in the light of the day, I look up to the sky and say You're beautiful."

In that moment, there was nothing else I could do but praise the Creator! I sat at the kitchen table, staring at the sky. And then my Jesus blessed me again. A Christmas gift from a dear friend of mine was a "Cup of Love." It's a huge coffee mug filled with verses about love. As I was reveling in the beauty of the morning and grieving that Anthony wasn't sitting there with me, I picked this verse out of the cup:

"Now may the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God..."

2 Thessalonians 3:5

Wow. My Jesus loves me so much...He knew I needed the beauty of that sunrise. He knew I needed a reminder to direct my heart toward His love. What an amazing wonderful God I serve.

It's these little things that I know will get me and Chris from one day to the next. The moments that God reminds us who He is and what He is about. So, lets all take notice of the small blessings in life...the beauty of a sunrise, the smile and hug of a child, the note from a friend, the scripture you so desperately needed to read...and praise our God of Love for being who He is.