Difficult

First of all, since my last post, let me just say that the gray-ness has lifted a little. I was able to find excitement and joy these last couple weeks - some rays of sunshine amidst the ominous clouds. Those rays came in the form of my wonderful, blessed friends. Last weekend, I got to spend time with some of my dearest friends, who are just coming closer and closer to my heart with each passing day. We had an adult sleepover! I got to do some of my favorite things - cook and talk! As I was driving out to my friend Kari's house I felt something that I hadn't felt in a while - those little excited butterflies in my stomach! THANK YOU LORD! We had an amazing time of food and fellowship that was healing to my heart. Thank you Lord for giving me such incredible, godly, loving women in my life. Thank you dear friends for sharing a weekend with me and showing me light and love.

On the other hand, this week has been especially rough. I know I'm not the only one who is grieving Anthony who feels this way. For many of us, this week has been like feeling all the craziness all over again. WHY??? Is it just because of the passage of time? Or because there seem to be more and more reminders every day?? Or just because it's how this grief thing works? On Wednesday, Chris and I both were just BLAH. I just wanted to cry and he just wanted to hit something. I think we were feeling the same thing - just the girl version and the guy version. :) At the end of the day, we both just sat on the couch with nothing to say. So, we opened up the Bible and just started to read. I don't even remember where we read or what we read, but just basking in the words of our Lord was refreshing. It was like a balm to my weary soul. Neither of us said much, we just listened to the words. Thank you Lord for Your word. Thank you that we aren't hindered from reading it! Thank you that you poured out your love for us into something we can read!

So, if you are still reading, please keep praying. Three months is coming up. But thank God for friends, family and His constant provision. ALSO - we have a new nephew! Corbin Dahlin-Vietti. Little dude, Anth would've loved to meet you.

Nothing.

It's been a while since I've written. I just feel like I have nothing to say. The last week, week and a half or so, I've been kind of in a daze. I haven't really felt like myself. I wake up, go to work, come home, complete what I should complete for that day. But it's like I don't feel anything. Not happy, not sad, not excited...I just exist. Life is moving all around me and here I am going through the emotions. At least a few weeks ago I felt.

I mean, normally I'm a pretty generally happy person. And I can be an emotional person. Seriously....a week and a half ago I was sobbing on the kitchen floor. :\ Now, nothing. Is that normal? To feel numb to everything going on around you? I just hope this is a stage. I'll deal with it, pray A LOT, and hopefully come out on the other side soon....can someone please tell me this is normal? That I'm not going crazy?????

....

I have nothing of relevance to call this post. I just felt the urge to write today.

Today has been an especially hard day. I really can't pinpoint why. Just inexplicably hard. I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't cry. *sigh...

But, God is still good. He knows exactly what I need. I opened up my Bible today and read the following verses. They really spoke to my heart, and I pray they will speak to yours as well.

"Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints."

- Ps. 117:15

"Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and my body also...BUT I trust in You, O Lord. I say you are my God, my times are in Your hand." - Ps. 31:9, 14-15

His love endures forever. His love endures forever. His love endures forever.

No words....

As I sit here in our comfy recliner, I am at a loss for words to describe how I'm feeling and what is going through my head right now. The passage of time is so crazy. The other day, I just felt like I needed to sit and do nothing but spend time with Jesus. So, I took my iPod, my Bible, and my journal and went to Starbucks and just sat for a few hours. I'm just going to share the ramblings from my journal and hopefully it will all make sense.

*sigh...I can't believe it's been a month already. It doesn't feel like it. I miss him. I miss his smile, his laugh, his words of encouragement, his weird food in the fridge...I still sometimes think he's just gonna walk through the door. Or I check and see if those headlights I see are his car...But I know it's Your perfect will, Lord. I know your ways are good and perfect. It's a strange thing to have those thoughts co-exist. I catch myself thinking of all of the things he's going to miss...being married, talking to him about pregnancy (because that's something we totally would've talked about), the birth of our future children, getting to know and play with and love our children, his kids, him and Chris continuing to grow together as best friends till they are old and gray...Gosh, when I think about it Lord, it really sucks! It grieves me to know that he won't be there for those things. Is it ok to think these things Lord?

But there is this underlying peace in knowing YOU Lord. Knowing that it's your plan. But to be honest, it's rough to know that it was your plan that my children would never meet him and know him. I'm not really a fan, Lord. BUT YOU ARE SOVEREIGN! And I know that. You love me beyond my comprehension. And your will is perfect. I know all of these things and it does bring a measure of peace. There is also joy because I know Anth is worshipping and praising the God he served. And to know that this trial and heartache is bringing You glory. Help me to keep my eyes open to how you are being glorified...and not to forget that THAT is what life is all about...Amen.

The following scripture and song have been going through my head constantly...making me smile and weep all at the same time.

Psalm 62:5-8

"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence. For my HOPE is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I SHALL NOT BE SHAKEN. On GOD rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is GOD. Trust in Him at ALL TIMES, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us."

IN CHRIST ALONE

In Christ alone, my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song

This Cornerstone, this solid ground, firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease

My comforter, my All in All, Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh. Fullness of God in helpless babe

This gift of love and righteousness, scorned by the ones He came to save

Till on that cross as Jesus died, the wrath of God was satisfied

For every sin on Him was laid, here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay, light of the world by darkness slain

Then bursting forth in glorious day, up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory, sin's curse has lost it's grip on me

For I am His and He is mine, bought with the precious blood of Christ

NO GUILT IN LIFE, NO FEAR IN DEATH - THIS IS THE POWER OF CHRIST IN ME

FROM LIFE'S FIRST CRY, TO FINAL BREATH JESUS COMMANDS MY DESTINY

NO POWER OF HELL, NO SCHEME OF MAN CAN EVER PLUCK ME FROM HIS HAND

TILL HE RETURNS OR CALLS ME HOME

HERE IN THE POWER OF CHRIST

I STAND

Real Life

I didn't think that going back to real life would be so hard. Why routine has been so difficult. At the beginning of this week, I just wanted to stay curled up in bed. BUT, work calls. And I have to answer. The question of "So how are you?" is so difficult to answer. Or the unaware people who ask "How was your holiday?" Well.....as a matter of fact....Ugh. One of the sweet sweet ladies I work with gave me a hug and said - "His picture made him look like such a fun guy. Tell me about him." That was just what I needed! Thanks Cathy! But, it is amazing to realize how my Jesus is sustaining me through each day.

Yesterday morning was opening up to be particularly hard...no specific reason. Maybe because of a lack of sleep, maybe because I knew the memorial in Bozeman was happening and I couldn't be there. Maybe something else. But after I finished getting ready for the day and walked out to the kitchen, I stopped and looked up. I saw the most amazing and beautiful sunrise. The colors were incredible...the Painter had made a masterpiece! I couldn't help thinking of the song "Beautiful" by Phil Whickham.

"I see your face in every sunrise, the colors of the morning are inside your eyes.

The world awakens in the light of the day, I look up to the sky and say You're beautiful."

In that moment, there was nothing else I could do but praise the Creator! I sat at the kitchen table, staring at the sky. And then my Jesus blessed me again. A Christmas gift from a dear friend of mine was a "Cup of Love." It's a huge coffee mug filled with verses about love. As I was reveling in the beauty of the morning and grieving that Anthony wasn't sitting there with me, I picked this verse out of the cup:

"Now may the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God..."

2 Thessalonians 3:5

Wow. My Jesus loves me so much...He knew I needed the beauty of that sunrise. He knew I needed a reminder to direct my heart toward His love. What an amazing wonderful God I serve.

It's these little things that I know will get me and Chris from one day to the next. The moments that God reminds us who He is and what He is about. So, lets all take notice of the small blessings in life...the beauty of a sunrise, the smile and hug of a child, the note from a friend, the scripture you so desperately needed to read...and praise our God of Love for being who He is.

Blessings...

As I was reading my Bible this morning, I read Psalm 107. It repeats this phrase several times: "Let them thank the Lord for His steadfast love, for His wondrous works to the children of man!." As I read that over and over, I realized that I had been spending too much time focusing on my own sorrow...and not enough time looking at all of the amazing blessings that my Jesus has poured onto us. In the midst of the grief, pain and sorrow, my God is blessing us with so many incredible things! It takes my breath away and reminds me that my God is full of love. He is full of mercy. He is full of grace. Even when my heart aches, He blesses me! When I hesitate to praise Him, He gives me grace and peace that passes all understanding. So, I thought I would start listing some of the blessings He is lavishing on us...feel free to add your own! It has brought me such joy to pour over this list and see without a doubt the love of my Jesus.

* On Friday, the day Chris called Search and Rescue, he got a new, understanding supervisor @ work

*Jon and LaDonna drove 1,000+ miles and made it safely

*God gave us 2 other God-fearing families to walk through this with

*Steven got leave to come from Germany - and then his leave was extended thru Christmas!

*David Vahey - clean shirts, tissue, video, humor, press experience, emotional support....etc

*Mari Yeckel

*A 2+ hour dinner with Steve Rollins of Portland Mountain Rescue talking about Anth and Jesus

*The press - their questions, the clips they chose to play, the nationwide coverage and presentation of the Gospel!

* 2 beautiful, wondrous, clear days on the mountain - watching teams and helicopters get a chance to search

*Timberline Lodge

*Jean and the Megumi Chalet

*Dennis and Holly, our chaplains

*The Bridge Church - prayer, love, texts, scripture, food, hugs, cards, e-mails...wow...

*My parents opening up their home

*The fact that the Sheriffs Department allowed Chris to participate as much as he did

*The amazing amount of dedicated, highly qualified people that were involved in the search

*Shannon Cadwell finding the notes from last year's Elevate - Anth's group discussion on Legacy

*The Portland Mountain Rescue guy in Mari's small group who was on the search

*Craig Roberts asking us to pray for them

*The MIRACLE of unexplainable weather

*Corey (from the Sheriff's Dept.) having a chance to open up and share the Lord with his colleagues because of this

*Anth's chemistry teacher approaching us at Stuffy's and sharing his remembrance of Anth's heartfelt and genuine thank-you

*Joe Nollmeyer

*Patrick and the worship team pulling together Wish You Were Here and Praise You in the Storm for Anth's memorial

*Having a chance to go back up to the mountain on a perfect, beautiful clear day and Uncle Jimmy getting a chance to stay longer

*Darla Nolan giving all the moms one of Katie's scarves

*The Olive Garden crying with us and blessing us so hugely on Anth's birthday

*Bank of America manager's daughter knew Anth from a Bible study

*Rob Cruickshank - a personal connection with Search and Rescue

*Getting a chance to meet, hug and encourage a lot of the rescuers involved in the search - Search and Rescue, Portland Mountain Rescue, the Air Force PJs, Sheriff's Office, Mountain Wave Communications...

*A church in Little Rock, AK letting us know their 8,000 member church spent their service praying for us

*All of you praying and encouraging us

This is only the beginning! I KNOW that the Lord will continue to bless us in the midst of our grief. I KNOW that He will continue to use Anth, Katie and Luke to bring glory to Himself...and in that I find peace.

*

Is It OK???

I have so many thoughts running through my head right now...it's tough to make them stop. I'm just going to have to go through one thought process at a time. It's been weird to try to function "normally". This isn't normal. Life without Anth isn't normal. So, what is normal? And what is ok?

On Christmas day, LaDonna and I were sitting at the table playing Yatzee...and we both stopped in the middle of the game and thought - is it weird that we are ok sitting here and playing a game? Is that even ok? Should we be playing a game?? Since then, I've just had these thoughts running through my head, along the lines of "is it ok?"

Is it OK...

-to feel just fine playing a board game?

-to cry over laundry?

-to clean your house because it's the only thing you feel like you can control?

-to sit on the porch for hours in the cold?

-to just want to sit on your couch and stare into space?

-to cry in the grocery store aisle?

-to cry over a bowl of pasta because you know Anth would've loved it?

-to go to a movie with friends and not think about the pain once?

-to not be the least bit hungry?

There's more things....but that's all I can think of. And I know all of the above is part of the grieving process...and even though I question, I know the answer. Yes, all of those things are ok. It still doesn't feel real. I still feel like he's just on vacation and he'll come back through the door anytime. But at the same time I know he's with my Jesus, worshipping and celebrating! And that gives me hope and joy in the midst of my questions and tears. Is that ok?